Attention introverts, shy people & wallflowers

I’m going to warn you, if you’re an introvert / shy person / wallflower, this post might make your face melt off.  So for heaven’s sake, please be sure you are sitting down when you read this.

© LoloStock -

© LoloStock –

In my continual research into all things having to do with networking, business socialization, conversation, communication, collaboration, social graces, leadership, success, and business protocol I’ve seen a recurring theme that’s been very interesting. I have to share it because it runs counter to what most people practice.


Experts in the fields of psychology, communication, and business agree:  when you’re out in public, whether it’s at a business meeting, a social event, or a networking “thing,” it’s your responsibility – indeed even your duty — to greet and introduce yourself to those around you.  How you feel when you’re out and about in the world is utterly beside the point. What really matters, what says the most about you, and what is ultimately going to impact your future success and reputation — is how others feel in your presence.

Truth is, no one gives a rip if every personality profile you’ve ever taken reveals that you’re an introvert, are shy, struggle with communicating with others, or lack confidence.  What’s more, if you think there aren’t other introverts out there struggling in social settings, think again.

And have I mentioned lately that I’m half introvert? Like you, I get anxious when I have to walk into a room full of strangers. But with hard work and practice, I’ve learned how move past my own fears and perceived insufficiencies. I put on my grownup hat, march into the setting, and find someone to whom I can say hello.  And sometimes I even get up on stage and speak. For a living!

I know I can’t hide from the world nor do I want to anymore.  Even more important, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or make anyone feel small, ignored, or insignificant.

Thing is, if you’ve gotten far enough in life where you have a job or career or you are running a business or offering a wonderful product or service, you should have by now mustered up the pluck to smile, say “Hello, good morning/afternoon/evening. I’m [state your name],” and extend your hand.

Flummoxed or in a twist about what to do after that?  Begin (this minute) collecting good conversation-starting questions. Here are just a few:

  1. What brings you here?
  2. How do you know the host(s)/organizer(s)?
  3. Do you know very many people here? (If they do, ask if they wouldn’t mind introducing you to a few of them.)
  4. What do you do?
  5. Do you love it?
  6. What do you like most about it?
  7. What’s the biggest challenge for you?

Another thing to remember: as an introvert, you have a wonderful asset and that’s your ability to be a great listener!  Who doesn’t like a great listener, right?

So, like learning how to brush your teeth, read, empty the dishwasher, drive a car, and operate a computer and smartphone, the skill of being social and gracious is a very grown up and necessary thing to do. Yes, it’s scary and it requires training, courage, determination, and practice.  But it’s your duty. And you are worthy of the task.

That said, pardon my bluntness here, but it’s time for all you introverts and shy people to stop leaning on your social-aversions as an excuse to keep to yourselves, leave conversations hanging awkwardly, and potentially make others uncomfortable around you.  Remember how awesome you really are, how many gifts you have to share with others, and gather up the gumption to introduce yourselves to the world. We will all be grateful!


6 Responses to Attention introverts, shy people & wallflowers
  1. Susan Tolles
    September 9, 2014 | 11:25 am

    Patti, you are speaking to me! I always scored in the “extreme introvert” category on personality profiles, but have pushed myself to become more outgoing over the past few years. I had to! As you said, embracing my full value and what I have to share with the world has been key to building my confidence. I can’t imagine life without all the amazing women I have met “outside my comfort zone!” Thanks for the encouragement.

    • pattid
      September 9, 2014 | 2:23 pm

      Thanks for this confession, Susan. I really believe that moving beyond our seemingly optional comfort zones is part of becoming / being an adult and giving the world all of who we are. You are a great role model here. I never would have guessed you were an “extreme introvert.” I see you as a lovely, gracious person who makes others feel good around her. Bravo to you!

  2. Cindy Weigand
    September 9, 2014 | 1:45 pm

    No website, yet.

    I enter an event fine, but I do immediately step to the side by myself to observe for a few minutes. Inevitably, someone will come up to me. Extroverts feel sorry for me and come talk to me. Introverts empathize and join me.

    • pattid
      September 9, 2014 | 2:21 pm

      Cindy, that’s a great strategy. And I vividly recall and very lovely conversation we once had when we were both at the fringe of a very noisy event – neither of us were ready to dive into the crowd. Thanks for your comment!

  3. Janki DePalma
    September 9, 2014 | 10:15 pm

    Amen! I work with engineers and I hear this excuse ALL THE TIME! I’m going to make them look at your post and memorize some of your “introduction lines”.

    One thing that works really well for me is to tag team. If I find a friend at the event, I’ll see if we can go and meet folks together. It’s a good way to us to mingle without feeling weird about breaking into conversations.

    Though I’m an extrovert sometimes it’s still very tough at times for me to talk to people. It seems that when you get them talking about themselves, they seem to like YOU more.

    Great article.

  4. […] to contribute gradually by asking questions. The first hurdle for employers is to recognize who the shy introverts are. Managers also need to recognize how their introvert employee works best. Why not use a […]

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